"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we comit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.